The Heart of Inquiring vs. Indicting

From Substack @walterleeipi

The same words can carry entirely different weight depending on what lies beneath them. Take this for example:

“What were you thinking?”

Say it aloud. Now say it again, Chances are you said them in a indicting way. Say it aloud again but this time imagine you’re genuinely curious about someone’s reasoning. Do you hear and feel the difference? The words are identical, but the intention behind them transforms everything.

How often have we jumped to conclusions or assumptions and made our words an indictment? When we indict, “What were you thinking?” lands like an accusation. The emphasis sharpens. The tone hardens. The unspoken message rings clear: You weren’t thinking. You made a foolish choice. I’m pointing out your failure.

If we take a moment to suspend our conclusions and assumptions, it opens the space open to inquiry. When we inquire, the same question opens a door. The tone softens. Genuine curiosity replaces judgment. The actual message becomes: Help me understand your perspective. I want to see what you saw.

This distinction matters profoundly in leadership, parenting, teaching, and every relationship where influence flows. Our words may pass through the same vocal cords, but they carry the intention our heart’s true posture.

Effective leaders recognize this power and choose their phrasing accordingly in order to better support their intent and the consequences it has on relationships. They understand that inquiry builds bridges while indictment builds walls. Consider these parallel expressions:

Indicting: “What were you thinking?”

Inquiring: “Tell me more about what was going through your mind.”

Indicting: “Why did you do that?”

Inquiring: “Help me understand your reasoning.”

Indicting: “Don’t you realize what you’ve done?”

Inquiring: “What’s your perspective on how this unfolded?”

Indicting: “You should have known better.”

Inquiring: “What information did you have at the time?”

The inquiring versions do something remarkable: they extend dignity while pursuing understanding. They create space for honest reflection rather than defensive posturing. They communicate that the relationship matters more than being right in this moment.

But words and phrasing are not sufficient and the focus on phrasing is secondary to something much more fundamental. We cannot merely adopt inquiring language as a technique while harboring an indicting heart. People sense this dissonance immediately. A judgmental spirit will leak through even the most carefully crafted questions.

The real work happens internally. It requires examining our default posture toward others when they fall short. Do we rush to blame, or pause to understand? Do we assume incompetence, or consider complexity? Do we prioritize being right, or building relationship? When we genuinely shift from a posture of judgment to one of curiosity, our words naturally follow. We don’t have to manufacture gentleness. It flows from a heart that truly wants to understand before being understood. And this has tremendous impact on fostering relationships.

This shift doesn’t happen automatically. It requires conscious attention to self awareness of what you are feeling and thinking. Consider these initial steps to developing this skill:

Before responding to mistakes, pause. Take a breath. Notice your initial reaction. Choose curiosity over critique.

Listen for your tone. Record yourself in meetings or difficult conversations. Does your voice communicate safety or threat?

Examine your assumptions. When someone acts in ways you don’t understand, what story are you telling yourself about their motives?

Ask better questions. Replace closed interrogations with open invitations to share perspective.

It reminds me of a statement found in the New Testament :“Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” Indeed, imagine how our interactions and relationships would change if we started with our hearts before our words!